what jaw-dropping comebacks have you heard people say? – reddit repost

2012.10.29 12:06:49 by andy category : reddit&4ch Tags :askreddit funny reddit text

I work for a fast food joint, it was busy and a customer was screaming at me at how long the wait was. The owner of the store comes and says “There’s no need to be in a hurry, the corner will still be there for you.” Reddit, what jaw-dropping comebacks have you heard people say?

A while back, my friend was working at a local bar. He was sitting behind a table, selling tickets to the stand-up comedy show they were hosting that night. A guy comes in with a group of people and throws some money on the table. My friend: How many? Guy: Eight! God, can’t you count? You must have taken the short bus to school! My friend doesn’t say anything. He just moves out from behind the table, so everyone can see he’s in a wheelchair. The guy stammers an apology and offers to buy him a drink. My friend says, “Just screwing with you, dude. I broke my foot last week. You’re still an asshole, though.”

Finally, a wheelchair win.

Someone said “I got a $2 handjob from your sister.” I said “She’s charging a buck an inch now, huh?”

This one made me exclaim loudly. Well done.

In my head, rather than laugh, you said something similar to “HOOWAH!”

My friend broke up with his girlfriend. Drunk at a party, she yelled at him for having a small dick. His counter? “It would’ve been bigger if you ever got me hard.”

Any car would seem small in a tunnel that size.

Dude on park bench: “RUN, Forrest, Run!” Jogger: SIT, FAT ASS, SIT!

Drunk girl in passenger seat of car at 10PM: “You’re sexy and we know it! Wooo!” Runner: “(panting) …I work out.”

lol, that’s adorable.

In high school, I was part of the speech and debate team. One morning, my debate partner and I were hurrying through a hallway to get to the bus taking us to a competition. We had our briefcases and index files with us of course. As we passed a room full of seniors… Senior : “I wish I could be a fuckwad and run through the halls with a briefcase!” Partner : “You’re halfway there…want to borrow my briefcase?”

Not surprised coming from somebody in a debate team. Your buddy’s sharp as a tack though.

In my highschool chemistry class, this girl was complaining about a strip club being built really close to her house. My teacher calmly interrupted her, “Well, at least now you can walk to work.” He got suspended.

Worth it.

Some random guy was bitching me out and yelling at me at work one day, and all I can do is just stand there and try to keep my face as expressionless as possible. After the he really starts yelling at me, my boss comes over and starts signing at him. The guy just stops and looks at him and says “what the fuck are you doing?” my boss without missing a beat says “You were yelling, so I thought you must be deaf. That doesn’t seem to be the case, so get the fuck out of my restaurant, and apologize to my waiter.”

Oh, that makes me wanna learn “can I help you?” in sign language.

I don’t even remember what the argument was about, I just remember the comeback: Mom: “Why don’t you try to see things from your brother’s point of view?” Sister: “I don’t know if I can get my head that far up his ass.”

Please tell me you’re the brother.

Unfortunately, I am. But even I could appreciate the quality of the burn.

someone was heckling a comedian and just being generally loud and obnoxious and the comedian responded “hey man, if you wanna tell jokes so bad how about we trade places? you come up here and be the comedian, and I’ll come down there and publicly humiliate your girlfriend.”

Rule of thumb – never interrupt a comedian!

Buddy is a Marine and told me this one. A commanding officer asked some Lance Corporal a question, and the kid responded in a really stupid way. The CO simply said “Son, why don’t you go stand in a corner and punch yourself in the dick until you pass out?”

A very intoxicated customer handed me $8 and a fistful of change for some cigarettes and a pizza (total of about $11). As I was counting it he said to me, ” Eight plus three is eleven, moron.” I just looked up and said, “Good job, sir, your parents must be proud of you.” Manager laughed and told him to leave for being an ass. Edit: I left out n a.

Manger sounds like a cool guy.

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